I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
