I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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