i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
my liver is dry heaving
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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