You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
