My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
