he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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