yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
