you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
