We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
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i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
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Shitshow foam night was such a success
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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