In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
