I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
