dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My bed smells like the plague
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
