my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
