I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
