just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Randomize
