I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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