dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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