Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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