I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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