You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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