Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
