Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
