im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
