: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
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