a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
