Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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