toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
