what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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