We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
