Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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