remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
