We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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