Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
