i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I would fuck him just for his dog
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
