i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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