pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
