Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
