Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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