i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
