Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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