Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
