You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
