just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
