Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
