Yo dont text me then not text me
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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