There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Randomize
