I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
