You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
