I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
