I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
