Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
