wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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