I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
