i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
