god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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