And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
