All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
