Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
smell my finger.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
