i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
