you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
How does one acquire holy water?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
