Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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